Yes I am back and I am back not because I feel like typing out some crap but I guess I am just simply blogging aimlessly.  I have been facing some problems lately.  Problems which I think by explaining doesn’t really help much but instead further fuels the problem.

…so I have decided to take it out on my blog, or rather, through it.  For all I know, I could be typing garbage but believe me, I seriously don’t know what exactly my objective for this blog entry is about.  Long story short…it’s just some minor challenges which I think should fade off after awhile.

Amazing as it may seem, I am getting this low self-esteem thing bothering me.  Like some kind of apocalyptic feeling.  Like somewhere in the back of your head there is this chain pulling you back everytime you try to take a shot at escaping.  And just when you thought you have the shot and you take it…it pulls you back again…and you keep trying and trying and trying…hoping that one day you will break free completely from the chains and walk out free.  What I am talking about here is stuttering.  It’s really irritating as it is the last thing on earth that should affect one person.  My parents don’t have it, my grandparents don’t have it, even my sister didn’t have it. Or at least I thought I have it.  It depends on how well you control yourself from the problem you know.  Or rather, it depends on whether you want to think that you have it.  A psychological thing.  A self-confidence thing.  I have my own theory of it.  Not many would agree.

I hate telling people about my problems as it’s like telling a hunter where you are.  It exposes your vulnerable location and makes you an easy target.  It’s revealing too much of yourself for people to manipulate.  It isn’t utopia in this world.

I wonder sometimes…am I thinking too much?  Thing is, when you focus too much on something, you in turn miss something else.  I focus too much on whether I am actually having a stuttering problem and I in turn speak with extreme caution of what words I am using and in turn stutter.  What I call, self-induced stutter.

Anyway…will be back.  I got a call to answer.

Over and out.

What’s the difference between a million, a billion, a trillion?

A million seconds is 13 days.
A billion seconds is 31 years.
A trillion seconds is 31,688 years.

A million minutes ago was - 1 year, 329 days, 10 hours and 40 minutes ago.

Yes, yes…I am back after ages. Partly because I am particularly not really good at blogging. I wonder if there is a course for blogging or something.  Oh well, anyway I am just taking what I can get and discovering the deep recesses of my brain in pursuit of more stuff to write about. I guess I am not really disciplined a person when it comes to blogging, I won’t exactly check back and update my blog, but I heard it comes in handy when you are introducing yourself to people when you meet the world out there. So you can say I am doing myself a favour.

What have I been doing lately? Housewifing I guess, if there is such a word. Doing the household chores, reading, working out, and other stuff(you can ask me about it personally), experimenting cheats on PC games. Life after work is indeed boring. But I keep myself sane by doing all these, in the mean time, preparing for my daunting University education which will commence soon.

Aaarggh, I am trying not to be so pessimistic about life. And yet the previous 2 paragraphs are conflicting with my intentions.

Enough said about myself, I’d like to talk about someone special. Someone close to my heart and of the 6 billion people that walk this planet, someone who truly loves me.

So I was chatting with my mum on a quiet Sunday(6/7/08) at home. And she happened to ask about Vanessa. “So how is that…Vanessa?”, she asked hesitating abit. She’s not really good at remembering names more than 3 syllabus. So I told her I once had dinner at Vanessa’s place together with her parents and grandparents and I introduced more about her family background to my mum. Then I stressed on my love for Vanessa and this was what I said to my mum about her:

“Never before in my life I have met such a girl who shares so many similarities with me. Even our birthdays are just next to each other’s. Even our interests are strikingly similar. From the flavour of ice-cream to the artistic explanation of an art piece. Sometimes, we say things in unison. It’s like fate has brought us together. But that was primarily how it all began, relationships have to start from somewhere somehow in some way.  It was later on she started to intensify everything, she has shown convincing love that eliminates all skepticism of how I may view of a relationship and that very thing jumpstarts my heart to start beating again and finally, I reopen my eyes. No one will ever understand exactly why I chose this girl. She has gone the distance to remember every aspect of me. I wouldn’t call that effort but out of pure love, she knows every detail about me and registers them permanently in her mind. She shows care, concern and love for me that is beyond verbal explanation. One only can see this ionic detail if he possesses the same intensity of love that the other party possesses. How she won my heart even I don’t know, I can’t fully explain. I just felt it, I felt love and I fell in love. But one thing I do know, she won my heart right from the start when we first knew each other. Right after that, I knew that if I were to win her heart, its not going to be an easy task. I knew she was the one for me right from the start and I know that this is my only chance. I am standing right at the crossroads branching out to 2 possible endings of my life down the road into the future. The path of ‘yes’ and the path of ‘no’. It’s now or never. I have made my choice and I am not turning back. For once in my life…I knew what I have to do.

But she did told me in detail about her past experiences which may have damaged her ability to love someone, let alone knowing the meaning of love. But I am not going to be discouraged by that fact and stop whatever I was doing at that time. I am not going to make a blatant assumption that love is something she can never understand ever again. I am going to do whatever it takes until the very last breathe of my life in order to win her heart. Nothing is as precious and delicate as that very moment of my life. Even if she told me this, ‘Eugene I know what you are doing but we can only be friends’, I will grit my teeth and reply ‘Vanessa, I won’t stop until I have won your heart. Mark my words. You are just discouraging me to carry on but I will prove to you that this is a form of encouragement instead. And that proof is when I have won your heart.’ “

That was what I said on that very quiet Sunday afternoon. My mum just looked at me, speechless.

Now, I am happily attached with the girl of my dreams and I am not looking back. Vanessa, if you are reading this…I am dedicating this very blog entry to you and I shall say the 3 very warm words as always…

I…………………….

                          Love……………………

                                                        You……………………..